Nancy and the Vietnam War

Background: 

I love to share stories about my coworker, Nancy.  Nancy is a man and of course, “Nancy” is not his real name.  It’s a nickname that my colleague and friend, Bill, and I have determined is most suitable.  Nancy is a 47-year old married man with 2 children.  He is college-educated and has worked for over 20 years in the finance industry.  He is a moron and a pansy.  Click here for more Nancyisms.  You won’t be disappointed.

The Story:

A quote from Nancy:

“My haircutter, Nu, is from Vietnam.  She is leaving next week to go home and visit her 96-year-old mother.  Nu said that her mother has dementia but can recount stories about the war in great detail.  I’m pretty sure she’s talking about WWII.”

Game Day Hat

 

My husband and I are football fanatics.  On any given Saturday during the fall, you’ll find us at an NCAA football game.  In the late fall, it can get mighty cold at those games and staying warm is almost as important as a win for our team.  With that in mind, I came up with the Game Day Hat.  

The Game Day Hat features a tight gauge at the brim to really hug your ears and keep them warm, then switches to a looser gauge throughout the remainder of the hat, keeping you warm, but not sweaty.  Be sure to add some height to the hat, so you’ll be nice and comfy while you jump up and down on those stadium bleachers.  I’ve also incorporated a defined fold at the brim for a neater look.  The ribbing pattern is nice and stretchy and can accommodate various head sizes.  Adjust your cast on by multiples of 3 stitches to achieve the fit you want.

SIZES:

• Directions are written for Small, with changes for Medium and Large written in parentheses.  Due to the stretchyness of the ribbing, I’ve found that the Medium size will fit most adults.  The small size worked perfectly for my small 4-year-old.

GAUGE:

• 6 stitches per inch in K2 P1 ribbed pattern using size US6 (smaller) needles

YARN:

• 1 skein of Malabrigo Merino Worsted or other worsted weight yarn. 
• Partial skein of Malabrigo Merino Worsted (scraps will work!) in contrasting color

NEEDLES:

• US6 16” circular needles or dpns (or size needed to obtain gauge)
• US7 16” circular needles or dpns (or 1 size larger than needle used to obtain gauge)

OTHER MATERIALS:

• Stitch marker
• Yarn needle

ABBREVIATIONS:

• CO – cast on
• K – knit
• P – purl
• MC – main color
• CC – contrasting color
• P2TOG – purl 2 stitches together
• K2TOG – knit 2 stitches together 

PATTERN

BRIM:

CO 84 (96, 108) stitches in CC on size US6 needles.  Join to knit in the round, placing marker to note beginning of round and being careful not to twist stitches.

K2 P1 around for ¾ (1,1) inches

Switch to MC

K2 P1 around for ¾ (1,1) inches

Turn work as follows:

Purl last stitch in the previous round.  Bring yarn to back of work.  Slip one stitch from left needle to the right needle.  Bring yarn to front of work.  Slip the same stitch back to the left needle.  Turn knitting inside-out, making sure your yarn is in the back of the work.

P1 K2 around for 1 ½ (2,2) inches

BODY OF HAT:

Switch to US7 needles and continue in P1 K2 pattern.

Work in pattern until hat is 9(11, 13) inches from cast on edge, or desired height.

DECREASES (switch to DPNs when necessary):

Round 1 =     P1 K1 P2TOG K2  repeat til end of round;     70(80, 90) stitches remaining

Rounds 2, 4, 6, and 8 = knit the knit stitches (vees)  and purl the purl stitches (bumps)

Round 3 =     P1 K2TOG K2  repeat til end of round;     56 (64, 72) stitches remaining  

Round 5 =     P2TOG K2  repeat til end of round;     42 (48, 54) stitches remaining

Round 7 =     P2TOG K1  repeat til end of round;     28 (32, 36) stitches remaining

FINISHING UP:

Break yarn leaving long tail. 

Using yarn needle, thread tail through remaining stitches and pull tight. 

Secure on wrong side and weave in ends.

Stay warm and enjoy the game!

My Little Soccer Star

Soccer Registration Fee . . . $115.00

Soccer Cleats, Shin Guards, Socks, Ball and Bag . . . $75.00

Watching your little soccer star sit in the middle of the field with his arms crossed and refusing to participate with the team . . . Priceless.

H’s Discovery

We were having dinner on Wednesday evening and the four of us (me; my husband, Blue Eyes; 13-year-old son, The Boy; and 3 1/2-year-old son, H) gathered around the table for our usual family mealtime.  H finished up quickly, as he was excited about the promise of dessert if he cleaned his plate.  He asked to be excused and then scurried off to the family room while the rest of us finished our meal. 

I guess H felt left out, because he returned to the table and crawled up on my lap.    Sitting on my lap, he kept bumping up against and pushing on my chest.  I asked him to stop and told him that it wasn’t nice.  He then turned to Blue Eyes and said, “Daddy, do you have one of those?”  Blue Eyes said “no” and I explained to H that only Ladies have those.  He seemed satisfied with the answer and dinner conversation moved on to more appropriate topics.

We were all chatting about the day when H started fidgeting on my lap.  He moved from one side of my lap to the other and accidentally bumped up against my chest again.  Startled, H said…

“WHOA!  There are TWO of them!”

Nancy and the Barking Dog

Background: 

I love to share stories about my coworker, Nancy.  Nancy is a man and of course, “Nancy” is not his real name.  It’s a nickname that my colleague and friend, Bill, and I have determined is most suitable.  Nancy is a 46-year old married man with 2 children.  He is college-educated and has worked for over 20 years in the finance industry.  He is a moron and a pansy.  Click here for more Nancyisms.  You won’t be disappointed.

The Story:

My colleague, Bill was the lucky one (insert sarcasm here!) to hear this story directly from Nancy.  I wasn’t present, thankfully, but the story is too unbelievable not to share with you.

Nancy, his wife and 2 teenaged children went to Walmart a few weekends ago.  Nancy has told us in the past that they like to play the “Wally’s World Game” as a family.  The “game” entails selecting a Walmart employee for whom English is a second language – asking that employee a question – and laughing at him when he appears confused or doesn’t understand the question.  I know, I know…Nan and family are top quality. 

Their recent visit to Walmart tops the cake.  Nancy and family arrived at Walmart and tracked down one of the employees.  They told the employee that they saw a dog running loose in the store near aisle 9.  Naturally, the employee ran over to aisle 9 to get the dog.  Then Nancy ran down a different aisle and barked like a dog.  When the employee checked that aisle, Nancy ran to a different aisle and again barked like a dog.  He and his family thought it was so hilarious that the employee was running around the store looking for the dog.

Seriously.

I dont’ make this stuff up.

Do You Have A Rubber Band?

In August 2009 the Vice President of the division I work for at The Company was fired.  It was abrupt and unexpected, as firings typically are.  He was well liked by his peers and staff, so I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that staff mourned his departure.  He definitely had his strengths and weaknesses.  Relating to his staff and making us feel important was a real strength.

In October, his replacement was hired.  Our team met The Crocodile at a brief meeting shortly after her hiring where she introduced herself and told us about her credentials.  She seemed okay and we all looked forward to learning more about her management style and anticipated changes she might make.

My desk is located right outside of The Crocodile’s office.  On any given day, I might pass her in the hall several times.  In fact, we probably cross paths an average of 5 – 7 times per week.  At first I thought she was shy or preoccupied, but as I passed her daily in the hallway – staring directly at her – and watched her look away each and every time, I began to think that she’s just a plain ole Witch.  Even when I’d extend a “Good Morning” or “Hello”, I’d receive exactly NOTHING in reply.  I mentioned this to my coworkers and found that they were experiencing the exact same thing.

Time passed and still I had NO interaction at all with The Crocodile.  I learned more of her reputation… that she told Hamill “Good Boy” when he turned in a report to her liking, that she said “Thank you, Boys” when Bill and Nancy held a door open for her, that she told Hamill he should be more “nasty.”  I’ve heard other examples of how she belittles her staff and even peers, but from October 2009 through July 2010, she had never ever spoken to me.  All I know is that she looks down, up, or the other way when we pass in the hall.  In fact, it’s gotten so bad that I’ve started playing her game.  When I see her approaching, I examine the papers in my hand, look at my watch or do whatever I can to avoid eye contact.  I figure that if she ever calls me out on it, I’ll tell her that I’m merely following her example.

A few weeks ago our team was working on a huge and sensitive project.  My boss and peer were on vacation when things started to heat up, so I took charge and ran with the DJ account.  It was much more complicated that I expected and I worked on it for 2 solid days.  In the end, I was quite proud of my work and felt like I totally ROCKED it!  I submitted my report to the director who reviewed it and submitted it to The Crocodile.  A day or so later, my boss, Really Nice Guy (RNG) told me that feedback from The Crocodile was that I did a good job on the DJ account. 

The following week, I was working away at my desk when there was a loud KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK behind me.  I turned around and to my surprise, it was The Crocodile.  I smiled and said hello.  Thoughts ran through my head and I was just sure she was coming to personally thank me for the job well done on the DJ account.  I was mentally preparing my humble response, when she said…

 ”Do you have a rubber band that will fit around this file?”

I turned and pulled open my drawer, where thankfully there was a lone large rubber band.  I handed it to her and she said…

“Thank you, dear.”

Then she left.

Nice.

Nancy The Family Man

Background: 

I love to share stories about my coworker, Nancy.  Nancy is a man and of course, “Nancy” is not his real name.  It’s a nickname that my colleague and friend, Bill, and I have determined is most suitable.  Nancy is a 46-year old married man with 2 children.  He is college-educated and has worked for over 20 years in the finance industry.  He is an idiot and a pansy.  Click here for more Nancyisms.  You won’t be disappointed.

The Story:

A few days ago Bill, Nancy and I were eating lunch in the cafeteria at our office.  Lunchtime conversation turned to family and children and went something like this.

Nancy:  I was in my mid-20s when we had our first child.

Bill:  Isn’t your oldest child 16?

Nancy:  Yes.

Nothing Fancy:  But aren’t you 46?

Nancy:  Yes.

Bill and Nothing Fancy just look at each other.  Nancy looks confused and we can tell that he is trying to figure out the math.  Bill cracks first.

Bill:  You were 30 years old when you had your first child.

Nancy:  Well, I would have been in my mid-20s if we didn’t have infertility issues.

Bill and Nothing Fancy can no longer look at each other.  They stare out the window and hope the moment passes without either of them cracking.