I’m basically a shy person. I find it difficult to “put myself out there” and as a result, I have a tough time making new friends.
In recent months, there have been some people in my life who have drifted away. I no longer hear from these people, they no longer care about me, and my efforts to try to maintain the relationship became too exhausting. So I’ve let go. It’s sad, but it was time.
This has left me wanting to build new relationships. I’m no good at that.
I’ve decided that I should put forth more effort and try to come out of my shell a bit more. Don’t get me wrong, I am friendly, I just never initiate a greeting, meeting or anything like that. So my first effort was to do more than say “Good Morning” to the lady I park next to in the corporate parking garage every single morning. Up until a few days ago, I didn’t even know her name. But the other morning, we arrived at the same time as we typically do. She had the rear hatch of her SUV opened and was trying to clean up something that had spilled. I got out of my car and offered to help her. That lead to a conversation and an introduction. Now when we arrive together, we walk to the office together and are getting to know one another. So simple. What took me so long?
On Tuesday, I noticed a volunteer opportunity at the office. A group of people are knitting and crocheting squares to make baby blankets to be donated to the Coalition for the Homeless. The effort is to honor our former CFO who passed away in April. He was on the board of the Coalition. The group meets every other Wednesday during lunch to hand in any squares they’ve made, to receive knitting or crocheting lessons, and to knit and crochet more squares. I was very excited as this sounded perfect for me. I would have an excuse to knit at work, would be able to contribute something to a good cause in memory of a good person, and would have an opportunity to meet new people. So I signed up!
I went home Tuesday night and started a square. I knew I wouldn’t be able to finish one in just the hour on Wednesday, so I wanted a head start. I wanted to be able to contribute one square at my first meeting. So I made a quick stop at the store to buy some yarn to meet the groups specifications and cranked out 3/4 of a square before bed.
On Wednesday, I headed over to Building One to meet with the group. It had been raining off and on all day, but when I left the front of my building, it wasn’t raining at all, so I did not grab one of the umbrellas that The Company provides. I was about a quarter of the way to Building One, when it started pouring. I ran (in my high heeled sandals), but was drenched by the time I reached cover.
Anyway, I kept going and entered the cafeteria where the group was meeting. I saw a woman setting up – placing completed squares on the table and displaying a blanket she had already sewn together. I could tell that she was the project leader/organizer. It’s so unlike me, but with my desire to make new friends, I took a deep breath and walked right up to her. I put on a big smile, held out my hand to shake hers and said in a very upbeat manner, “Hi! My name is Nothing Fancy. It’s nice to meet you. I’m looking forward to helping with the project.” She shook my hand and said in a dead pan voice “Nice to meet you. Sign in on the sign in sheet.”
She never told me her name, never looked at me and never cracked a smile. So I signed in, took a seat and pulled out my needles and yarn and started knitting. I raved about how lovely the blanket was and what a wonderful job she did sewing it together. I got nothing. I raved about what a wonderful cause this is. I got nothing. I knew one person at the meeting and she was very friendly and nice. I had never met any of the other ladies. I tried to make chit-chat with the ladies sitting near me, but it was difficult. The cool reception I received from the crabby leader had spoiled all the feel-good I had before I got there.
Other ladies arrived. Some just dropped off squares and some stayed to make more squares. One woman was teaching a group of ladies to crochet. There was only one other knitter there besides me. When she arrived, she brought several squares that she had made since the last meeting. Crabby Leader raved over them. They were mustard/puke yellow. Crabby Leader said that they were wonderful and that she was thrilled to have some yellow. She never acknowledged me sitting there knitting with a gigantic ball of beautiful pastel yellow. I continued to knit and made small talk with the ladies near me.
The meeting ended at 12:30. And at exactly 12:30 Crabby Leader started packing up. I was very very close to finishing my square and was knitting as fast as I could. I finally finished it up and handed it to Crabby Leader after she’d already packed up the squares. I said, “Here’s one more square.” She said nothing. I turned and started putting my supplies in my bag and pretended that I thought she said thank you and I said “Oh, you’re welcome.” She looked for the sign-in sheet and said “You need to mark that one down.” Meaning that I should indicate that I donated a square. I said, “I wrote it down when I arrived as I knew I’d finish before leaving.” That’s when it occurred to her that she was crabby, so she threw me a bone and said, “Very nice. Thank you.”
I hope that saying those words didn’t cause her too much pain.
I headed back to my building and yes, of course, it was still raining cats and dogs. Again, I was drenched upon my arrival, in spite of carrying an umbrella this time. I entered the building soaking wet, fought with the umbrella while standing in the lobby as I couldn’t get it folded up properly while all of the rain fell of the umbrella and on to me. Finally I got it folded up and placed it in the umbrella stand and started walking off while still brushing some of the rain off my slacks. I walked a few steps when I heard the security guard, “MAAM! MAAM! MAAM! I NEED TO SEE YOUR ID BADGE!” Good grief. The man sees me every single morning when I arrive and show him my badge AND he sees me every single afternoon when I come down for lunch AND I entered the front door carrying a Company issued umbrella with THE COMPANY written all over it. Good grief. My day just kept getting better and better.
My one and only effort to put myself out there, to do something that I would normally avoid because the prospect of it just makes me too uncomfortable, did not turn out as I had hoped. I suppose I will go to the next meeting in 2 weeks, but it will be really difficult to motivate myself to do so. More likely, I’ll make a few squares at home and just drop them off. I don’t know.
Are you shy or outgoing? Do you find it easy or difficult to make new friends? How do you feel about joining a group where you don’t know any of the participants? How do you handle it when you put yourself outside of your comfort zone and receive a cool reception?
Man, that sucks!
I am sort of shy too, and people like that can wreck your day. But you went at least and did it.
If you go again and it’s the same, try something else. She sounds like a miserable person.
I found out her name later and asked Blue Eyes if he knew her. He said she’s always crabby! LOL
I’m really bummed that you recieved such a cool reception. But I did too when I first join my knit group. My only thought is that maybe they have just as hard a time breaking out of their shell as you do. But that certainly doesn’t excuse the behavior or Crabby Leader. Maybe Crabby Leader is the reason some of the others just came in and dropped off squares.
As for your questions..
Are you shy or outgoing? Outgoing but VERY nervous about meeting new people (cant remember names ever!) & going new places (always get lost!).
Do you find it easy or difficult to make new friends? I’m a horrible conversationalist, I find it hard to make small talk, which makes making friends difficult.
How do you feel about joining a group where you don’t know any of the participants? I did this recently with an established knit/crochet group. I was all excited to meet new people that shared the same hobby/passion. I also got the cool reception too but was determined. The knit instructer STILL looks down her nose at me because I’m a crocheter. Pfffsst! I just try not to get the chair next to her:)
How do you handle it when you put yourself outside of your comfort zone and receive a cool reception? I get real quiet and try to get a feel of the group. Is it me? Is it them? Are they nervous too? Are these people I really want to spend time with?
Dang! This turned into a book didn’t it?! Sorry:)
I “heart” Linda. We really need to meet!
You’re where? Jan said something about DC? I have a sister in Woodbridge. Oh this could workout!
Ah yes, this is going to work out. AND you just might have to teach me to crochet!
I can so totally feel for you in this situation. It sounds like the person in charge felt like this do-good project was more of an obligation and obviously if was to overwhelming for her to be nice to you. Cross this project off your list, and move on to something else.
The security guard was probably just doing his job…
When I meet someone new and I’m friendly, I do expect them to return a pleasant personality. It’s defeating to the person making the effort otherwise. I guess people are too busy to be nice these days.
Keep trying, though, it worked for you in the parking lot.
Yes, the security guard was just doing his job, but it was the icing on the cake to such an enjoyable outing! Thanks!
Since when are you shy???
How many people did I talk to at Princess’s party? Um…let me count…4…You, Blue Eyes, my father and H.
You don’t think I”m shy because I’m not shy around you. That’s because I’ve known you for 34 years and since you’re my sister, you have to like me no matter how cheesy I am!
Crabby Leader is a biotch.
I am very outgoing, but like Linda, I get nervous meeting new people and often make an ass out of myself, and I get nervous going new places because I have a non-existent sense of direction.
Moving North has also been a problem, because 1) as a rule, Northern people are as open as Southerners and 2) we moved to a small town where everyone knows everyone and people from any place else are considered “outsiders.” I’ve lived here 4 years and have yet to make a single friend.
All I can say is thank God for the internet and the blogging community, or I’d have no social life, even if it is a virtual one.
By the by, I had no idea you lived right outside D.C. or you can bet your bottom dollar I’d have arranged for us to meet!!
“Thank God for the internet…”
Amen!
I’m sorry, I meant to say as a rule, Northern people are NOT as open as Southerners.
Oh, the menopause – it makes my brain all fuzzy…
You make me happy for the friends I have. At this point in my life, I’m not sure how good I would be at making new ones. But you are right in that some have drifted away.
I wouldn’t waste much time on the leader lady, but maybe there’s a nice woman who takes a bit to warm up.
Hi, my name is Candee. I love how you write….very funny and engaging. I just found your blog today. I’m probably overly outgoing, and very social, so talking to people is a breeze for me.
I am however, very picky about who I keep in my “inner circle of friends”. If I had to think of a type of person that is difficult to befriend, it would be shy and quiet people. Why? Because, at first, they tend to be a little un-nerving because it’s hard to read their reactions and get a response out of them. When this happens the “social butterfly” part of me goes into overdrive, probably making them even more uncomfortable. (Something I should work on!)
I think you did a great job at the meeting and “putting yourself out there” for others to get to know you and for you to get to know them. Ignore the bitchy leader and focus on the other people in the group. She doesn’t sound very appealing as friend material anyway. Please don’t drop your squares off and run next time! Before going to the meeting, come up with a “plan of attack”. For instance, plan to start a conversation with at least two people. Ask them how long they have been in the group. Ask about how many squares they have made. You could ask them about a certain stitch technique. (Don’t laugh at me, I’m not a knitter but this seems like an obvious question.) When you sense one of them opening up, you could even say something like, “I was nervous about joining the group because I didn’t know anyone but it really seems like a good group of people.” If you picked the right person to say this to, the “flood gates” will open, and she will start to tell you about everyone in the group. It’s a great trick to keep up your sleeve.
Your questions:
Are you shy or outgoing? Yup, outgoing!
Do you find it easy or difficult to make new friends?
I’m not on the lookout to find friends, but I do approach each new person I meet as an opportunity. At 44 I’m not into “collecting friends” but finding really good quality people that I enjoy being with. That’s a big change for me since I was in my 20’s. I’m also not into the “gossip crap”, so that leaves out a lot of women for me. (sorry to say but true). Men are always easier for me to befriend.
How do you feel about joining a group where you don’t know any of the participants?
I love it! This summer I’m going to Spain and taking part in a Conversational English program for a week. Exciting! Think of all the cool personalities I will meet!
How do you handle it when you put yourself outside of your comfort zone and receive a cool reception?
I step back and try to figure out if the cool reception was because of me or some other factor. Clearly, the bitchy leader was having a bad day. So I would think to myself, “What’s her problem?” and move on. If I felt I did something stupid, I would think about what I did and why I did it.
Have you read the book, “The Secret”? It’s really good and think you would get a lot out of it.
Have a great day,
Candee
Oh, BLAH. Don’t be discouraged! That has GOT to be a fluke… maybe she was having a really off day, or maybe there’s a better group around?
What a stick in the mud!
Hand raised for introvert here. Many moons ago when I went away to college I realized that I needed to step out more. It’s been a love/hate relationship with myself ever since. Good for you for recognizing yourself and what you need. I wouldn’t let grumpy leader sway you from how you want and need to be.
I recently joined a group of over 40 women that I found on Craig’s List. We all get along really well. At our first meeting someone commented on how we are all so outgoing since we joined. Ha, I fooled them, or maybe we really can change some things about ourselves.
A shame that when we make such an effort to be friendly, to step out of our comfort zone, people like HER deflate us. I’ve had similar things happen to me.
Since this is only my first year in KS, and I’m not working yet, I have no GFs here. Which sucks. I miss my GFs in Ohio. We always got together on weekends and had so much fun. I’m hoping once I get a job and meet more people, this will change. Since we live way out in the country in an isolated situation, there’s really no neighbors either. Thank goodness for the internet and blogging!!
I say give this group one more chance, and if Crabby Leader is still crabby, then move on and find another charitable group. Personally, I think people in a leadership position with a charity should be more positive and uplifting!
I know it is hard to believe from my writing, but I am actually very shy. I hate being thrown into group situations where I know no one and I think it’s very brave of you to have joined that group. Maybe the leader was just having a very bad day and will be better next time. I’d maybe give her a second chance and if she’s just as bad … well, who needs it? Move on and keep trying with different people and/or different situations.
I am usually very outgoing. That woman sounds horrible. I would have probably said something to her that very day. What a nasty person.
Don’t let the old hag discourage you. You just keep being your sweet self. I know it’s not easy and that you’re shy. Give it another try and maybe you’ll meet someone there to knit and chat with. If nothing else, it’s a good cause. I don’t know why organizations put people like that into leadership positions. It turns people off. Hugs.
Actually, I’ve already connected with someone else who learned from a coworker that I went to the last meeting. She is also interested and we’ve been chatting it up about the charity and the work. Interestingly enough, my new pal has worked with Crabby Leader in the past and had nothing pleasant to say about her. LOL
I bumped into a work colleague today and she reminded me of this post.
I’m a bit shy, but I’m almost always ready with a smile for people.
I started in my current job in January 08 and it was tough to go from some place I’d worked for over seven years and where I knew all 200 employees to a job where I knew no one. Even after 18 months I only know about a quarter of the 200 staff. So I smile at people if I pass them in the hallway and most of them smile back and say hello.
Except for this one work colleague. I smiled at her every time I saw her and she ignored me. In fact sometimes she’d see me smiling at her and she’d blatantly turn her head away. But I kept on smiling at her. Day after day. People probably thought I was mad. Until she finally smiled back. Like she really meant it. And now she even says hello. Turns out she was really shy too.
But there are some people I don’t want to waste my time with. And you can generally tell those sorts of people from the genuine folk. Don’t even give Crabby Leader a second thought.
Joders – you sound just like me. I too have a colleague that always looked away when I approached and never responded when I greeted him. But like you, I finally “wore him down” to where now on occasion, he’ll extend the greeting first!
[...] I’ve also been trying to knit squares for baby blankets to be donated to charity. I wrote here about my experience at the first meeting for knitting the squares. It wasn’t that [...]
I’ve totally fallen behind on reading blogs, and just came across this. As someone that knows the real “Nothing Fancy” I’m always surprised to find that you are shy IRL. We get on so well and always chatter away…
I, myself, and pretty much the antithesis of shy. But it doesn’t mean I don’t have trouble going into large group settings or where people already know one another and trying to find my place (something I’m struggling with as we move back to America). It just means that I put on my “Kelly face” and fake it…LOL!
((Hugs)) Nothing Fancy!
[...] I have volunteered my time by working with a group of women at my office to knit and crochet granny squares to make baby blankets for families in need. The blankets will go to families affiliated with the DC Coalition For The Homeless and will be given in memory of our former CFO who died in April. The project is wonderful. I feel great knowing that the squares I’ve been making will go for a good cause. I’m very glad that I volunteered for this project. I’m just wondering why everyone doesn’t feel so good about the project. Check here to read about my very first meeting for this project and my interaction with the crabby leader. [...]