I mentioned earlier here that H started preschool a few weeks ago. Blue Eyes and I did a lot of talking and soul-searching and finally decided that the timing was right for H to move from the home daycare he had been attending to a more structured child development preschool program. We were very pleased to find a Christian child development center that just opened near our home. After visiting the center, we loved it and knew it would be good for H.
H is now in his 4th week at the new preschool. He seems to like his 2 teachers and talks about the other children in the class. He especially enjoys the outside play time and it getting exposure to things he has never tried before – arts & crafts, etc. He is also doing well with eating with the class. This was a big concern for us because H is NOT a good eater and is very small and undersized. In fact, H is at least a head shorter than the smallest girl in the class and is very thin. He is far and away the smallest kid in the class, in spite of the fact that they are all the same age.
Yesterday, when I picked up H, I had an opportunity to chat with one of his teachers. She told me about a kid in the class who is very aggressive and is pushing the other children around. She mentioned that she and the other teacher are working with this kid and often have to remove him from the situation at hand because of his aggression and that he continually pushes the other kids. This same kid is not a good listener and is having trouble following the rules/routine. He gets angry when he doesn’t get to do what he wants to do and takes out his frustration in an aggressive manner. She said that they are working with this kid so that he will become comfortable with the routine and so that he will understand the appropriate way to play with his friends and will hopefully stop pushing the other kids around.
I’m sure you can understand, that as a parent of a very small and undersized child, I would be concerned about a bully in the class. H would be an easy target, right? Because he is so small?
Except that my son IS the bully.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
But I know it’s true. I’ve seen some evidence of it on the webcam. My tiny son is the class bully.
On Saturday, I took H to his friend’s birthday party. The party was at Pump-It-Up. H had a great time and did a really nice job playing with the other children. I was proud. Afterwards, there was cake in the party room. Once the children had their cake, they all started roaming about the room. H’s friend Max was at the party. Max is VERY tall – head and shoulders over H. Max’s OLDER brother was also at the party. I’m not sure how old Max’s brother is, but I suspect he’s like Max and looks older than he actually is because of his size. Anyway, Max’s brother was minding his own business, when H walked up from behind him and shoved him. Max’s brother must be a good kid, because he just ignored it and moved away. I couldn’t believe that H picked the biggest kid there to push around.
What did I do? I quickly turned my head and pretended that I didn’t see what happened!
So, yesterday I chatted with the teacher some more. I told her that we’d talk to him about how to be a good friend and would work with him on controlling his aggression. AND yes, work with him on listening and following the rules, etc. Sigh. I told the teacher that I had witnessed H in action, and told her about him pushing Max’s older brother. She said that today, one of the bigger kids came to her crying. She asked him what was wrong and the kid said “The little kid pushed me down.”
LOL LOL LOL LOL
Okay, it’s not funny. Well, it is sort of funny, but I have to keep that to myself.
Mostly, it’s embarrassing. It was embarrassing when a dear friend of mine came to visit me when I was recovering from surgery. She brought her 2 daughters with her. H hit them over the head with his plastic golf club. It was also embarrassing when H was playing with his cousins and wacked his 7 year old cousin over the head with the golf club as well.
Napoleon at his best.
Blue Eyes and I are in for a long haul.
We’re open to suggestions. Was your kid aggressive like this when he/she was little? How did you handle it?
Oh and for the record…The Boy was always the BIGGEST kid in his class. He could have taken down any kid he wanted. But, he was mild and meek. In fact, when he was little like H, he didn’t like playing with the boys because they were too aggressive and that made him very uncomfortable. Instead, he mostly played with the girls and one or two other mild/meek boys. He was the type who would cry if another kid looked at him cross-eyed. The boys in his class were just too rough for him.
How did this happen? How is my GIANT son, a big softee and my TINY son, a bully?
What in the world?
I’m sorry but I had to laugh when I found out tiny H was the bully. I think with both his parents and his teachers aware of it and helping him, he will learn better ways.
Unfortunately, if he doesn’t, he will eventually pick on someone bigger and tougher and get put in place and learn the hard way. That’s the way it usually goes.
LOL – Pseudo, that’s exactly what Blue Eyes and I have been saying “Wait until a big kid puts him in his place!”
The one thing I always think is, “It’s a good thing he’s so cute, because that’s the only thing saving him.”
This is what happens in my class with a child like H…It appears that he likes attention – even negative attention. We he hurts someone, I say to him , we’re all friends in this class and we don’t hurt our friends and I have him apologize. (It’s important that he looks at the child when he apologizes) After a while, the hurt child will repeat those words to him, as well. If that doesn’t work, I take him out of the mix and have him sit on a chair away from the other kids. Over time, the other kids stop playing with the child and then he cries because no one’s playing with him. It’s a tough situation all around. I make sure the parents are constantly aware of what is happening.
I’ve also suggested to parents that I send home a smiley face or a frowny face depending on the behavior. This makes a big impact. Smiley face – the kid gets to do what he wants at home….a frowny face – something gets taken away. Right now, there’s nothing at stake so why should he behave? Once it starts affecting him, his attitude may change.
Just a thought. Good luck!
Lisa – Excellent advice! The teachers are already doing what you have recommended. I do like the smiley face sticker idea too. Actually this morning, I talked to H and offerred a Lightning McQueen sticker if he is a good friend today. And being a good friend all week, gets him a ride on Granddaddy’s tractor. We used to do red light/green light/yellow light for The Boy when he was young. His was for crying though. Green light for no crying and if he got greens all week he received a fun activity as a reward. He was older than H though at that tiime, so who knows?
Oh yeah…and poor H – no TV on bad friend days. Next he’ll be losing his precious golf clubs!
No kids here so no been there, done that advice. But Pseudo & Lias sound like they got ya covered.
I laughed too;)
I think maybe because he’s so small, he feels the need to make the first aggressive move before someone does it to him. AT least that’s what I’d do. Shove them first so they know that even though I’m the little kid……I’m not to be messed with. LOL
You DO have a long road ahead but we’ll enjoy the journey with you and I’ll be thanking my lucky stars that my little one is almost 15 which is much closer to 18 or 21 than a 2 year old.
HUGS
You’re probably right about him feeling the need to make the first move. Good point!
And your so kind to take this journey with us. In fact, I think I’ll send H to your place for “camp” next summer, so you can journey up close and personal. LOL
((Hugs))
It totally isn’t funny…but of course, it is.
I’ve seen H, and while I do see him being assertive, I’ve never thought, “what a bully!”
Of course, I brought my own bully along with me when I showed up…the only thing saving her is the blond hair and darling smile.
If you figure out any tips…let me know. Right now I’m off to stop a 3 year old from pulling a 5 year old’s hair. Sheesh!
How dare you call your sweet blonde angel a bully! You know better than that!
My son bit, and I found myself saying insane things like,” but he didn’t break the skin.”
It’s hard. I just removed him from the situation and gave my friends permission to do the same at their homes. Time out in the chair for the minutes of his age. He hated it. When he saw it was going to happen every time he tried harder to stop himself. But it was still hard. In grade school his aggression was more in response to kids verbally being mean. Then he’d jump on them and grab them around the neck. Lovely. Teachers always caught that, but rarely the horrible things kids said to warrant it. I kept repeating the list of options before it could be acceptable to get physical. I repeated it for years. And every year it got better. He’s a great kid. And so is your little guy. The biggest thing is to stay on his side because other people may be less patient and kind.
Maureen – Thanks for your post, it really put things in perspective for me! I was reminded that my older son was also a biter when he was little. He wasn’t agressive like H, but I remember showing up to pick him up from daycare and his sitter telling me “The Boy bit Dougie again today.” And then when she’d see the look of defeat on my face, she would always tell me “This too shall pass.”
Words to live by!!!!
What a great twist to your story! Little H is a bully. LOL At least you don’t have to worry about him being terrorized.
You’ve got that right!!!!! He is definitely going to be able to stand up for himself!
Both of my sons were bullied at school – they are the sensitive type (The Young One is 14 and still has his teddy bear – and collects plushy animals).
However, having said that, Lisa’s advice is excellent. I had a great deal of trouble with The Young One paying attention in class during elementary school, and finally his teachers and I began doing what Lisa suggested – they sent me a brief note home every day, stating that he’d stayed on task or did not stay on task, and depending on which note I got, he was rewarded. He loved video games, so if I got the positive note, he got to play video games for an hour every evening – if not, no video games.
It worked surprising well, and as of this last school year – his last in middle school – I dont’ think he brought home one bit of homework and still got all As and Bs.
Oh Nothing Fancy, like you said this is so funny but not. I’d be curious where all this aggression comes from. From what you say about your oldest, it doesn’t sound like he bullied H so H turns around and bullies someone else.
I’m afraid I don’t have any good advice. I’m old and did what they did in the old school. Against Dr. Phil’s advice, my kid bit, I bit my kid. My kid hit someone with something, I hit my kid with the same something. Of course nowadays I’d get arrested, but my kids knew what it felt like to others when they did something hurtful. It would put a quick stop to the bad behavior. I always felt it was enforcing the “Golden Rule- Don’t do to others what you don’t want done to you”. LOL.
Good luck. At least you’re catching it while he’s young enough to teach him a more constructive way to handle his feelings.